Quickie Blog of Lotsa Topics

Need to go to effing bed and stop dwelling on grad school "dra-ma." I wrote a long convoluted blog to myself to rationalize everything. I know what the answer is, despite how I protest and say I don't care and "fuck this shit!" I do care; I would regret not finishing grad school. So I gotta suck it up, find some way to pay for one more semester of candidacy, and I am going to get my shit together for real.

Gotta get up early; heading to Owensboro tomorrow/today for Rachel and Will's wedding shower. Carpooling with friends Cassie and Matt; road-tripping with multiple people is always fun. Rachel's parents are putting us all up in a nice hotel. :) Bridesmaid luncheon tomorrow too. I forsee lots of Mimosas, laughing, and inappropriate comments and behavior. Then another shower on Sunday with the other side of Rachel's family (her mom's I think); that shower is the "girly" one. Rachel is bringing two of her three kitties and dog; I'm so excited as I love cats, and Bob and Cece are still kittens to boot! And Alice is adorable!

Thank God for Dustin and his awesome family! He puts up with all my grad school drama in addition to whatever craziness is going in my life. His parents took us out to dinner tonight. Then Dustin and I poked around B-A-M, and he offered to buy me Catching Fire, the second book in The Hunger Games series. BEST FIANCE EVER! I told him, he didn't have to get it because he's saving up for bills and tickets to Spring Awakening. However, he insisted; I think it was partially to make up for the fact he bought FFXIV today. I told him to take me to Target because the book was cheaper there despite being in hardback. He was tired by the time we got to Target (he'd been up since 7 AM with almost no break), so he told me to just take his card and go inside to buy the book while he waited in the car. Again, BEST FIANCE EVER! Books are always the best gifts! Love him regardless of presents, but it's always nice when he sporadically buys a book for me.

School's Out for Summer!

Whoohoo! I'm done with grad school except for my culminating project! Candidacy for the Fall, and then I'll be done. Dustin's graduating this Saturday with his Masters in education--I'm so proud of him! He's going to be an awesome teacher!

Now that's school's out, I'm at a loss of what to do. I don't have job still, so that's my top priority. I'm going to look into doing volunteer work; I sit here and espouse my ideals of bettering society and mourn people's lack of empathy while I haven't done anything productive myself. I'm going to change that by volunteering at a library, the humane society, Frasier musuem or KY Shakespeare Festival. This will also get me out and hopefully, I'll be able to make new friends outside of school.

Of course, everything currently depends on my having a car; mine is sadly too far gone and expensive to fix. Right now, I have Dustin to take me whereever, but once he starts working he can't. His mom generously offered the use of her car which she doesn't drive, since Scott (her husband) got a new one, and she carpools with her mother to work.

Here are my summer plans:
-Get a job
-Volunteer at least once a week
-Work on culminating project
-Book Club (with Paducah friends) - I already finished the first book!
-Take on and complete 50 Book Challenge
-Keep up with my reading journal
-Blog regularly
-Start writing short stories again
-Spend more time editing the wiki on and writing articles for AnimeVice
-Disney World and Cruise to the Virgin Islands! (Generously paid for by Dustin's parents)

It Takes A Lot of Effort NOT to Do Work

I'm quickly running out of things to avoid doing my homework and massive research paper due within a matter of weeks. It's so hard to come up with reasons unless I'm in a comatose state due to allergy meds. There's only so many places to go to run errands in a day, limited time spent eating, only a few decent things to watch on TV, and now I'm pretty much out of things to do on the internet. I'm just so damn sick of school and want a job (JUST ABOUT ANYWHERE) and internship at a library or museum somewhere but that also depends on doing well in school I suppose so I can get good references. And I don't want to even think about my culminating project which I have not touched since writing my proposal in February which was too broad and thus rejected. I've been in school my whole damn life, and now I feel like I'm just now getting into my rebellious teenager "FUCK SCHOOL" phase at 24 in my second year of grad school.

I just feel I need to don Hot Topic goth/punk girl clothes, heavy black eyeliner, converses and not brush my hair. Then I should I sing this song by Skye Sweetnam "Billy S." The ultimate pop punk song because let's be honest: I'm not into real punk; I like it to be a little girly and have pink mixed in with my black. Better yet, I want to quit school, and go run off and join a Japanese schoolgirl rock band like Scandal. I'd also settle for being part of a cutesy J-pop group; so long as cute outfits and choreographed dances are involved, I'm in. What's something "wild and crazy and rebellious" that you dream of doing?

The "C" Word

Candidacy. The big fat "C" word I both dreaded yet embraced. Yep, wasn't able to get my proposal approved by the deadline, therefore I have to go into candidacy for the summer. At first I was freaking out and getting really upset. Then I calmed down, and remembered I was anticipating this. I met with my project director late, and my proposal was more like a a draft than a solid academic proposal. I didn't get the email with the criticism and pointers until today, despite the fact the time stamp says Saturday. I'm very irritated about that. I was a little mad at Dustin who I force to check and write (while I dictate) my email when I'm anxious about something. He checked it both Saturday and Sunday, saying there was no email from my prof. I really couldn't fault him though; it's more the email system. I couldn't have sufficiently revised it by the deadline anyway.

Anyway, it gives me more time to get my thoughts together. My director says my topic is still too broad and needs focusing. My thesis is still not clear. I'm driving myself crazy trying to think of an original thesis that factors in all that's been done before without ripping anyone's idea off. Supposedly, as a Masters student I'm not expected to come up with any brilliant, earth-shattering new ideas, just expected to be able to show I can enter in an academic conversation. Really, 85% the time I feel like my knowledge of proper academic/scholarly procedures is lacking. I'm just kinda force to write something I've never done before with only the most general of outlines and my writing is supposed to be genius. I have written a proposal for a research paper maybe four times now, and only two were actually formal. I remember the days when writing 10 pages was hard; now I think what wouldn't I give for 10-13 pages instead of 25-30. This is just a long, slightly painful, learning process. 

I'm just thinking of all things, I had to fall in love with and pick Medievalism. Why couldn't I do 19th c. frontier fiction or women writers (which I also love)? I have several awesome papers for it, and it's so much easier. Argagagaga...as a friend and fellow grad student once said about the grad school and paper writing experience, "It's like some weird fetish; it's painful but you keep doing it over and over because after you finish you feel really good." It's the tried and true love-hate cliche. Lately, my relationship with academia has been more on the hate side. I'm wishing I chose Chretien Knight of the Cart instead of The Examinations of Anne Askew for class. I needed and wanted to do something different than Arthur; since my interest besides Arthur is early modern women writers, I figured Anne was the way to go. I chose a tough topic. Nevertheless, I'm going to work hard and make this an awesome paper.

Candidacy isn't so bad. I have a good friend who's in it right now, granted he doesn't have to pay for it since he has a teaching assistantship. Another friend of mine was telling me she wished she was in candidacy for the summer because she could give two shits about her CP. It's not like I'm going to be in candidacy for 5 years. I made it through my Bachelors in 4 years, taking 15-18 hours, and changing my major. I'm done with all the coursework for my Masters, just need more time getting my culminating project together. I might consider taking another course, since I didn't do so hot last semester. It depends on the cost of candidacy + class tuition and if there are any Med-Ren courses available in the first term. I'm feeling a little self conscious and defensive right now.

Blood Suckers on the Brain

I've always been fascinated with the supernatural. I've grown up on a steady diet of fairy tales and fantasy novels. I think I really got into Vampires in the 7th grade with my introduction to L.J. Smith's Nightworld series (which she is finally finishing this March after like almost 10 years!). My sister recently told me, my mother used to think I was going to run off and join a Satanic cult because I was into reading about witchcraft and vampires. She told me she  and my mom were both very glad I didn't turn out like that. The thought never crossed my mind; sure maybe dabbling in Wiccan came up (because it was really cool at the time), but never Satanism much less a cult. I think I'm a little too rational for that which sounds ironic coming from a girl with an overactive imagination.

Vampires are once more back in the spotlight although I say they've got some heavy competition with zombies. Zombies really can't be romantic though; you wouldn't want to start a romance, much less sleep with one. You could have a romance that revolves around killing zombies ala Pride Prejudice and Zombies. Anyway, back to vampires. I'm really digging this "modern" or "20th" century vampire that's part of mainstream society--open or hidden. Shamefully, I have not read a single Anne Rice vampire novel even though I attribute her with the creation of the modern vampire. I've watched the movie Interview with the Vampire multiple times though. My only, real resolution is to read at least Interview with the Vampire. :)

My current passions in the vampire world are the early Anita Blake novels and the Sookie Stackhouse novels. I like the mystery crossed with some romance; lately both series have completely forgone mystery in favor of romance or pure smut. Someone oughta cross Nancy Drew with vampires--I personally think it'd be a winning combination. For some reason, right now cross pretty much anything with vampires and you've got my interest. Since I'm currently reading and writing about martyrdom and sainthood, I'm wondering if you could still be considered  martyr if you became a vampire--you did die....you just came back...but not in an exactly "holy" manner. However, in the Anita Blake series there is the Church of Eternal Life; so could you have vampire saints? Would they have to be dead as a vampire or just dead as human? What would a vampire saint be like? I also keep wondering how crossing vampires with medieval literature would pan out. Dustin and I were joking around about putting a vampire in the Canterbury Tales and which of the pilgrims it would be or if it was Chaucer who was the vampire. These are the kind of things that go through my brain; that's what you get when you mix whimsy with grad school and a cheesy fiance who just encourages any and all silliness. :) 

I Faced the Demon Dragon Lord and Survived!

My life often takes an epic turn. I think this could be the direct result of living on nothing but fantasy novels and films for all my life. I tend to compare the events and people in my life to novels, games and movies. Today, I feared I might be going on my last journey in my quest to gain my Masters Degree. I had to strap on my (metaphorical) armour and prepare myself to meet the Demon Dragon Lord a.k.a. my Culminating Project Director.

I've been in living the past month and a half in terror and playing the avoidance game with my Culminating Project Director; my final paper in his class was very bad which resulted me getting a "C" in the class. I sent him an apologetic email owning up to my faults and promising extreme revision and better results for my CP. I didn't check my email for the longest time and whenever I there was a time I literally had to, I made Dustin check it for me. Finally, my professor responded and Dustin read the email to me. It said exactly what I expected and already knew about the paper. My professor did state he was still willing to work with me and help me rewrite my paper. I was lured out to a gallery talk he was giving because it focused on medieval manuscript making and the museum it was held at, had just received a beautiful French Book of Hours. I still kinda avoided him, not that I could talk to him because he was swarmed with people with legitimate questions after the talk. It took me a week and a half to send an email making an appointment.

So today, I finally had to quell my fear and face the beast. I kept thinking of him as the final Demon Dragon Lord in an RPG that I had to beat to win the game. Dustin thinks I overeexagerated too much; he compared him to Chopin in the RPG Eternal Sonata.
*SPOILERS IF YOU HAVEN'T PLAYED THE GAME*
(Here I'm using one! I am constantly reminded of my failure to use a spoiler tag for HP 6.)


Chopin is on your team and helps you throughout the game. However in the end, you have to fight and defeat him in order to secure the existence of your world. Once you defeat him and convince him of the reality (he thinks the world is a dream) and importance of your world, he puts all his power and being into keeping the world. Plus, he wasn't difficult to beat; there were much harder bosses in the earlier stages of the game.

Back on track, I went to my professor's office, and he was very jovial. No blast of flame or look of pure hatred. I told him my purpose for being there, and we had a good, informative conversation about the proposal and project expectations. I told him as I was leaving, I'm glad he didn't breathe fire at and eat me. He replied, "The Jewish tradition is very much like the Vietnamese tradition, we operate on guilt; what you do to yourself is ten times worse than anything we can do to you." True words indeed. Guilt and fear have been eating me up all through Christmas break and the beginning of the semester.

Dustin told me, "See he cares about you. You make him out to be some kind of monster, but he's not." My hopes were not in vain; my professor is a good teacher; he knows I'm capable of quality work, knows that I didn't live up to my potential, and is willing to help me learn and become a better scholar. I feel a whole lot better and am chiding myself for my paranoia and anxiety. Sometimes, I allow rumors and reputation to precede my own personal knowledge. Nevertheless, this doesn't give me an excuse to slack off. I have to get my butt in gear.

2010: Post 1 of Many

First post of the new year! I'm steadily picking my life back up from the pieces it broke into after last semester. I'm done with the crying and overwhelming anxiety (well almost). Everyone is entitled to a bad semester; I screwed up, I took on too much, I admit it. It's done; I can't change it and am going to move forward.

I have to say with pride and honesty, I have the most wonderful fiance. It just really hit me at the end of the semester when he told me, "I don't care about anything but the smile on your face." I'm so proud of him now that he's almost officially a real teacher. He's just started student teaching. He genuinely cares about teaching, but he's also realistic and knows it's not going to be like Freedom Writers. He said the reason he wanted to be a teacher is a person who made a strong impact on his life was a teacher, and he wants to be able to do the same. If he can get through to one student, that's an accomplishment. :)

Break was pretty uneventful, except for trying on wedding dresses. I tried on a beautiful ivory, lace gown that almost made me willing to forgo a purple or purple and white dress. I spent most of break planning, mostly obsessing over wedding dress styles and finding a dress that doesn't compromise any of the elements I want. Although color is becoming trendier, especially red and black and white dresses, when you walk into a wedding salon, you're still drowning in a sea of white and ivory. The dresses that do have color, have it mostly as an accent. I didn't realize how overwhelming trying on dresses can get until I did it over break, and I lost sight of what I wanted. I'm seriously considering the custom route, possibly outsourcing the dress because I'm not certain I can afford custom any other way. I'll make a more detailed wedding blog post with all my ideas sometime later. ;)

My other obsession of late, besides wedding dresses, is the Sookie Stackhouse novels. It's the new crack for me. I gave it shot, and I really love it! It's the perfect blend of romance, smut, mystery, and of course the supernatural (namely vampires). I've been plowing through them mighty quick, and many of the witty insults and the Southern phrases have me laughing out loud. I'm on book 4; so far I think book 1 is best (with the mystery). I'm definitely an Eric fangirl. I've been putting off reading any more Anita Blake after Lunatic Cafe because I know I'm close to the point where the books become pure erotica and no longer urban fantasy or supernatural mystery. I'm not ready to break up with Anita Blake just yet. Funny thing, as many vampire novels as I've read, I've never read Interview with the Vampire or any other Anne Rice novel. Must do so--my only official resolution.

Thankfully, I'm doing a culminating project for grad school. My prospectus is due the Jan. 11, but thankfully it is a short but detailed explanation of the revisions I'm going to make to a paper that I've already written. I know I have to extensively revise the paper--I'm pretty much rewriting it through the whole semester so it's no longer a piece of shit. I'm fairly certain I disappointed my professor I wrote the paper for who's also my project director. I went to the library yesterday and met a fellow grad student who did the culminating project instead of a thesis. He said it was much easier and the conversation/defense of it was much more pleasant.

Last semester of grad school! One class and writing my culminating project! I'm taking an Art History course--specifically on medieval Byzantine and Arabian architecture. Something new and completely different from literature and history of England, France, Italy. No more fucking theory!!! Thank God!!! Now, the big task is to find a job--preferably one that utilizes some of my skills with writing and computers. It's rough trying to find something with an English degree that I actually would be interested in doing. I don't want to just be answering phones and writing notes and emails. Going to the temp agency tomorrow; I figure it's easier than hunting through the internet or paper. Once I find a job, I'm planning to get an internship at the Frazier either for the semester or summer; while it's unpaid (except for parking reimbursement), it ought to be an awesome and insightful experience.

Going to finish strong! I'm going to take better care of myself, which in turn will help Dustin. I'd say I'm settling back into real life okay.

Diary of Mad Grad Student: Epic Long Post of Sorrow

I've just been through the worst semester of my life. It's technically the last semester of course work I have as a grad student. I still have one class left to take for my Med-Ren certificate, but all the English Masters coursework is done. My final were papers were less then stellar, my professors not happy with my performance, and my grades were reflective. A, B-, C, C. I'm really disappointed in myself and been pretty upset. I realized something through this experience, I largely measure myself--no define my self worth through the perceptions of others--namely my mother and my professors. I'm one of the biggest hypocrites when it comes to talking about self-confidence; I have so many anxieties that just multiplied and exploded this semester. Rationally in my mind, I'm have it all explained everything to my self to where I understand I'm not perfect and shouldn't care about the opinions of others. However, I've just always lived trying to satisfy the high expectations of others and in turn, setting unreasonably high expectations for myself. I don't like, much less believe in, making excuses. I've learned to accept the consequences of my actions--whether negative or positive. Nevertheless, I do feel there is a difference between excuses and explanations. All I seek to do is explain things how they happened. It doesn't make me any less of a person.

Lan's GLEEful Day of Princesses, Musicals, Battling Beauties and Cupcakes!

I feel like today is a good day for blogging. I completed 4 out of three works for finals. One (and only) test down and one out of four papers done! I'm a little disgruntled about that. It still seems like a lot. I have one more than everybody else, most grad students take three classes. I decided to be academically suicidal and take four. At least I know I definitely passed my history exam with flying colors--or rather one color BLACK because it's on the Black Death and I also wrote in black pen---ahahaha.

I'm excitedly watching behind the scenes of The Princess and the Frog!!! We're gonna go see it as soon as my last final is done on the 15! :) I'm happy that Disney is taking a big step forward, and I'm not just talking about race. Tiana is a very forward thinking and acting princess! She works and has career goals. The actress Anika Rose is the first actress to both do the speaking AND singing voice of the princess. And she has a living and loving family! Though I don't know if she loses them or becomes estranged from them later. I really like that they're making her look like a real person, and "not just a darker colored version of one of the other princesses." Going to let my critical, feminist mind go and be fully optimistic!  Hoping when Baku and I go to Disney World in the summer, there'll be a Princess and the Frog display or show. :)

I think this ties in nicely since before this I was watching Disney's remake of Rodgers and Hammerstein's Cinderella starring Brandy--which I LOVE!!! I've seen the old version too with Lesley Ann Warren--I like it too. Both are a staple of my childhood.  

I've been all about the musicals lately. Glee has also been my obsession. Tonight was the last episode of the season I believe. And more than likely my sister and I will go halfsies on the first season dvd that will likely come at an extorsive priced. I love all the covers of 80s songs, current pop songs, and showtunes. It really feeds the theatre geek in me. As much as I hate to admit it, I live vicariously through one of the main characters, Rachel; she's such a mega diva with an attitude--she's getting better. My school didn't have a Glee club or theatre program, but I was very much an academic snob and thus a geek and on the lower end of the social tier. We did a couple "variety" shows (basically a smashing of scenes from movies and plays, and musical numbers), and I totally rocked those out!  The show's music is so infectious and great; I find myself liking songs I didn't like before--I can only listen to the GLEE cast version though. 

So now, I'm devoting the rest of my evening to the awesome battling beauty known as Utena Tenjou! I'm at episode 15 right now...it's an endurance run to get through the rest of the season and the movie...don't think it's going to happen. I can't possibly write on every episode anyway, my focus will be on specific ones, especially in the Student Council story arc--which I find really compelling moreso than the Black Rose. I'm really creeped out by the Souji and the way he creates the duelists. I'm still going to watch as much as I can, and read summaries of the episodes before and decide whether to watch or skip them. I know that's bad--I promise I'll watch them all later! I have to get this paper done by Friday, and its 15-20 pages. I'm hoping it turns out well and can be polished to journal article standards. :)

Lastly, Dustin and I discovered this new cupcake place. It's a small chain called Gigi's Cupcakes.  We saw a sign out front that said "Free Samples." So of course we went in. They have the most amazing gourmet cupcakes ever! Their menu changes everyday, with a set list of flavors and a daily special. I got the daily special which was a white cupcake with pistachio filling, and raspberry icing with chocolate sprinkles! It was AMAZING! Baku got a chocolate, banana cupcake. They're so rich and the icing is piled high--it's enough to induce diabetic shock I'm sure. 

I'm going to have a meltdown and crash when finals are done. I only have three days between my last final and when I go home to visit my family in South Carolina and North Carolina. I've also got to get Dustin a Christmas present too. Sheesh. Okay, now time to cram as much Utena as I can before my brain explodes. Read the four critical articles I'm going to use. Write a detailed outline, citing all the quotes from the queer theorists I'm using...OMG so much work!!!

FINALS! CRAZY ARHRHARAKKJDFHK TIME!

Feeling a little stifled and I have a paper due by 4 PM today, and I'm about three quarters of the way done. I'm just struggling this semester because I've got the burn out. I've been talking to other grad students and glad to know I'm not alone. It's so weird to feel this burning hatred and complete apathy because I've always loved school and learning and writing (both creatively and academically). Writing is always difficult for me because I have crazy perfectionist, editor mind. So I'm blogging to help relieve some of the stress and get the writing flow going.

Dustin - significant other/fellow grad student - I don't know how I got through finals before him! He is a wonderful support and source of encouragement! We have totally different writing and thinking styles. He helps me out when I get frustrated and start second guessing everything I write. He listens patiently and gives suggestions when I read the same paragraph for the fifth time. Plus, he keeps me company and has a lot of faith in me. He said he missed eating breakfast. He works at UPS third shift, so by the time he gets out he's exhausted, goes to bed and sleeps until 1 PM or later. So we vowed to stay up all night and go eat breakfast together. We did and went to McDonald's at 6 AM to get breakfast which was delicious! I really miss him right now even though he's in the next room. He's sleeping early because he has to get up to teach class in the morning.

Lily, my kitty, is my other company keeper. She's sleeping too, though thankfully not on my notes. Even when there's multiple books and piles of notes, she knows exactly which one I'm currently using and lays down on it. She looks so gosh dang cute, I hate moving her and feel guilty for pulling the notes/book out from under her.

Cafe World, this little flash game on facebook does wonders to keep me occupied and for some odd reason focused. I use it as a timing and motivational device. I can write and cook simultaneously. I have to wait a certain amount of time for a dish to be done, and if I don't remove it from the stove in time it will go bad. My writing coincides with the time, and it works better than saying, "I'll write for one hour and play for one hour" which never happens. This system works because I'm cooking/playing at the same time as I'm writing. It's like, "I'll set kabobs to cook. They take one hour to cook. In that one hour, I will write a page then serve the kabobs. Then I set another dish on the stove, say another hour long dish, and the same thing happens." I like to think I have really eccentric means of keeping time and getting through finals.

Music is a big thing to help me feel good and keep calm. I've been really dependent on Celtic Woman and songs from GLEE. I'm obsessed with the new songs from Celtic Woman's new but not yet released album Songs From the Heart. There are official clips of the DVD concert on YouTube. I also listen to GLEE songs on YouTube as well since I don't have all of them on Itunes. I think the songs I keep listening to over and over are, "The Call," "When You Believe," "Ding Dong Merrily on High," "True Colors," "Lean on Me," and "Defying Gravity."

Mini Epic Oven Adventure

So, grad school has basically fried my brain, and I'm so wrapped up in deep thoughts and distracting myself with the internet that I tend to forget about the smaller, but no less important things like DON'T LEAVE THE OVEN ON IF YOU'RE NOT PAYING ATTENTION TO IT!

 No serious disaster occurred, it was averted by a slight burning smell from the oven. This story has a fairly comic note. I was planning on re-toasting a wrap I had leftover from Jason's Deli in the oven. I threw it in the microwave for a little bit so the meat could heat up before putting it in the oven. I smell the oven burning a bit and panic thinking "OMG MY SANDWICH!!!!"

I rush to the oven and open it only to find nothing there. I start freaking out looking for it, thinking maybe it fell to the bottom or something. I'm like "WHERE THE HELL IS MY SANDWICH?! IT DISAPPEARED!" I honestly thought for a split second, somehow my sneaky brat cat Lily stole it out of the oven. I remembered putting the wrap in the oven, but not taking it out.

Then it dawned on me as I looked up and saw the microwave. I'd initially heated the wrap up for 15 seconds and put it in the oven. I touched the wrap a little bit and decided it wasn't quite warm enough, so I'd  pop it in the microwave for another 15 seconds. Meanwhile, I left the oven on and started piddling around on the internet until the smell alerted me to the fact that something was wrong.

Now, my wrap is in the oven, has been for a couple minutes now, and I'm very aware of it as I type this. I felt like it was a silly event worth blogging about. No matter how much learning I have, I can't forget those basic little things. I'm lucky I smelled something and got to the oven and that nothing caught on fire.

Edit: Once more I am truly a dork. I turned the oven off in my panic. I put the wrap in the oven, but I didn't turn it back on. LOL. 

Quick Academic Update

I passed my foreign language exam! I had to translate 500 words of a piece of literary criticism on modernism (of all subjects) in Spanish in 3 hours using only a dictionary. I had been done with Spanish class for about year and half, didn't study, and was sick to boot. I was worried about my test results having not seen an email, but I found it today! It got buried under the mass of emails I have in my university account. Obviously they value content and the fact I got the main idea of the piece rather than an accurate word for word, grammatically correct translation. I am required to pass the test before I can defend my culminating project (the shorter equivalent of a thesis). Now, I'm one step closer to getting my Masters degree!

I am once more locked out InterLibrary Loan for overdue books, though they did not send me an email this time. It's frustrating when my research papers won't be finished until December, and I only get maybe one month with the books and a two week renewal. If I return the books, I can't renew them right away. I have to send them back then request them again, but that's after the period for however long the books were overdue for. Personally, it think the system is bull. If I could check out the books longer, like at my university library I wouldn't have this problem. It's inconvenient to haul 20+ books to the library every two weeks to renew them, and I'm pretty sure you can't renew ILL books online. I understand that the policy is probably there so that whatever university library the books come from has it when one of the students wants the book, they can get it. But seriously, how many students are angling for books on Medieval women prophets or a facsimile of the Lamentations of Katherine Parr? I'm keeping the books until I'm done with my research paper, and use interlibrary loan through Dustin's account; I'll just have to be careful to check the dates.

I have half the books from the library contained in my apartment. Most of the books are Medieval related (Black Death, women writers, and Anne Askew), but there are a some for my Civil War lit and Queer theory courses. I need a tall, strong, muscled, burly personal assistant to reach all the books in the tall places, so I don't have to climb on shelves when there's no step stool and carry them all around the library and to my car at the stadium. Or, the library could just provide shopping carts that I can carry all the books around in; that still wouldn't solve the problem of getting them to my car at the stadium though. Creative solutions anyone?

Best Birthday Present Ever!

I got an A on my source review paper!!!

I've been really worried about my first writing project for my Medieval Literature and Law course. I've never written a source review before, and I was really worried I was doing it incorrectly. I wrote it in a way that made sense to me and while I was horribly sick with the imitation Flu. My professor is known for being a hard ass. He's also my adviser for the Med-Ren program, academic mentor, and now the director of my culminating project. Basically, to me, he's God; he holds my academic career in the balance. I aspire to reach his level of "smartness," and impressing him is a really difficult task.

I got my paper back today at the end of class. I was really anxious and worried. Despite his assurances that the quality of the class's work as a whole was great, I thought I would be one of the exceptions. I was praying for just a B+ (that's like an A with almost any other professor). I wasn't going to look at my paper before I got home. I was just going to grab it and run.

However, my professor handed me my paper and said, "Lan, I've read your writing several times now, and this is the best writing I've seen from you." My jaw literally dropped, and I asked, "Are you serious?!" He answered, "Yes." I asked at least 3 times more, "Are you serious?!" I could not believe it. He answered "Yes" every time.

Dumbfounded, I walked out to where Dustin was waiting for me. I started waving my paper around, saying, "I got an A! Dr. Rabin praised my writing!" I finally got a chance to read his note which read:

"Lan,

This is outstanding work. Your research is very impressive, and your discussion is intelligent and closely argued. While I've made a few notes on the hard-copy, on the whole, this very well done, and foreshadows and excellent final paper.

Congratulations!

A"

This is high praise coming from Dr. Rabin! It's really helped restore my confidence in myself, my writing ability, and motivation to finish grad school!

Do You Believe?!

I am ALMOST FINISHED with my Masters degree in English and my Certificate in Medieval and Renaissance Studies! I met with my adviser today, and we counted all my courses multiple times. I found I could count my 600 level History course as my one elective outside the department thus making my coursework complete! Next semester I only have to take one class to finish my Medieval Renaissance Certificate, and I'll be writing my culminating project and studying once more for my foreign language exam! Keeping my fingers crossed that I will finish and graduate on time! I'm kind of kicking myself for taking 12 hours (4 classes) this semester because I could've saved myself some heartache and sorrow by taking two next semester. However, this gives the opportunity to focus entirely on my writing!

Anette Olzon, the singer for one of my favorite bands Nightwish, has a new album coming out! She recently recorded a song with the Finnish rock band Rasmus. The song is called "October and April;" it's a beautiful duet between Anette and the lead singer of the band, Lauri. The music video is being released tomorrow or rather later today! 

My birthday is now two days away! I will be 24 on the 24 of October! I plan to celebrate by going to Gattiland, drinking, and watching Hocus Pocus--all with friends of course!

ABC Family is supposed to have started the 13 Days of Halloween. However, I have not yet seen a single Halloween film or themed TV show on there yet! I've been placating myself with cheesy Disney and Cartoon Network Halloween movies and shows.

Quick Blog

I'm feeling much better, and my sickness is almost gone.

Grad school is currently making a mess of my life, but I will finish it!

I switched with a co-worker, so this Saturday I open at work and have the whole evening free to celebrate my birthday!

Taylor Swift is my ultimate guilty pleasure; her songs are just so catchy!

My Sakura costume is complete and has been shipped!

I'm going to try to do NaNoWriMo; now I'm debating whether my novel will be a silly yet empowering fairytale with a plucky heroine or a wild, novelization of my friend Jacob and my B-movie about a female ballroom dancer, vampire slayer.

Printer FAIL!

I'm all out of ink due to the fact that within the past couple of weeks, I've had to print over 200 pages of reading for class. I hate reading for prolonged periods of time on a screen and can't make notes, highlight or underline important quotes/ideas in the text when the text is digital. My notes generally don't make sense when they're separated from the reading. Furthermore, I can't print a black and white PDF file in blue ink.

I go out, fight my super paranoia and anxiety, and make the semi-lengthy drive to Meijer at 1:30 AM to buy some ink. I remembered that the number on the cartridge was 54 although the picture on the printer ink cartridge cover thing had the numbers 54 and 21 (in reference to the black ink cartridge). I look at all the ink cartridges there's no 54. Only 56, 57 and every other number BUT 54. I start to think I'm wrong and doubt myself. I then look at the conveniently located book of printers and their compatible ink cartridges. I find the picture of my printer and look at the ink cartridge numbers listed. Guess what, 54 isn't listed but 21 is. So, coupling this information with the memory of seeing the number 21 on my printer I buy the cartridge.

I come home, pull out my old cartridge which says 54. I check the box with the new ink cartridge one more time, it says compatible with HP F4180; my printer says HP F4180. I attempt to fit the new ink cartridge inside the printer. It refuses to snap in place. I take it out, examine and compare it to the old one. They're both about the same size, however the little flat thingy that I guess snaps in the printer are different lengths. That makes me very irate and frustrated.

Now, I'm stuck reading a bunch of pages on a screen. No, I do not want to wait until later today to start reading 60+ pages left of my theory reading plus more for my other classes. The whole point of going out was to get ink, print my theory reading, write my response, and leave time Tuesday and Wednesday for an even splitting of my other class readings. I was going to take another proactive step towards becoming the girl who no longer procrastinates. Geez, why does the world hate me?

At least, I got printer paper and a pair of cheap shorts for my Luke Triton (from the Professor Layton games) costume. Still very angry though! Now, I have to go to Meijer again today and return the ink. Then go down the road to BestBuy where hopefully, I will find the correct size ink cartridge. What a pain!

Nom, Nom, Pizza & Nerd Talk

Finishing up the last of the pizza as I'm watching Project Runway.

Second day of Queer Theory today. Initially, I struggled a little bit reading Focault and Gayle Rubin, however, as always,  Dr. Kopelson always manages to break everything down and make it clear. We had lots of haha moments in class making fun the snootiness of lit. theory critics, and some of the radical statements made by Rubin. The line that made me laugh quite a bit was : "The only adult sexual behavior that is legal in every state is the placement of the penis in the vagina in wedlock." I'm not dismissing her statement, I'm just amused by the truth of it. She doesn't play around when it comes to sexuality and repression. I love Dr. Kopelson because she's got a very lax, humorous and "I'm-just-as-lazy-and-tired-as- any-college-student-even-though-I'm-a-professor-with-tenure" attitude. Some of her best comments come out when she's tired, like today: "pederasty, that's where you...[pause] 'asty' your children."

I wanted to kick myself today because I forgot to do my writing assignment, and Dr. K doesn't accept late work.  I thought earlier, "I wonder if we have a writing assignment today, no I think we're just going to write in class." Then I get to class, and one of my classmates entered a little late; he asked if we had turned our papers in yet. At that moment I was like "OH SHIT!" I think it's the most awful feeling of shame and embarrassment when you're a grad student, and you've already screwed up and forgotten an assignment on your second day of class.

I want to blame the wedding, but it's also my fault for not writing it down in my to-do notebook, which I've been doing an awesome job at keeping and looking at.  I don't believe in planners because it does you no good to look at things in advance. Plus I never use them. I always end up making lists of things to do from homework to errands and posting them on my desk or computer. Mac has a cool note/reminder app; I can write little remainders on brightly colored post-its and have them appear on my desktop. I don't know how I could live or keep track of my life without Post-Its.

I'm in a major paper topic developing mood. I keep thinking and debating different ideas for my Queer Theory paper, since it's a free for all. I really want to do a paper of sexuality/gender in the anime Revolutionary Girl Utena. Thing is, Utena is really long; I'd have to sit and watch the whole two seasons and take a ton of notes, and contstantly rewatch certain episodes. I'm also considering a shorter anime, like Maria-Holic or writing on the Takarazuka theatre tradition in Japan. Still have a million other papers to worry about: Anne Askew for Med. Lit & Law, currently subjectless Black Plague paper, currently subjectless U.S. Slavery Rhetoric paper, and oh can't forget the ever forboding CULMINATING PROJECT PAPER OR THESIS.

Time to finish my meal, stop watching TV, leave the internet behind, and go do my copious amounts of reading for tomorrow. I have three classes back to back for a total of 7 hours and 15 minutes. I have 15 minute break between each class--enough time to run between buildings or class rooms, use the bathroom, grab a snack or coke. There is no such thing as real life on Thursdays.

When You Ask Me Who I Am, What is my Vision, Do I Have a Plan

I know I love Medieval/Renaissance lit and want to devote my life studying it and women and women writers of the time period. I always knew from when I was young I wanted to be a writer. As I got older and further in college, I realized I wanted to write academically; I love picking apart and analyzing texts. I definitely wanted to pursue my college career further with grad school; I sold my soul to academia, academia is my life blood. I don't regret it, I love it with every fiber of my being despite the fact it causes me so much stress and headache and makes me physically ill during finals.

Ever since I decided to devote myself to the academy, it always seemed obvious and logical to become a college professor. I liked the idea of teaching; I wanted to share my knowledge and help fellow literature lovers and aspiring writers and academics. Plus, as Dr. Kopelson (one of my favorite professors who taught literary theory) said, it is a job that makes you write for a living. I wanted to write papers and lecture at prestigious Shakespeare conferences. This seemed the way to do it.

At the end of last semester and throughout the summer, I began having a not so mild but not dire career/identity crisis. Neither of my two med/ren classes were what I expected. Frankly, I thought they were boring and generic; nothing I couldn't have learned in a 300 level literature or history survey course. Granted this was due to the fact they were a mix of grad and undergrad students. I was taking 4 classes (12 hours) which is a lot in grad school; the workload was intense and overwhelming. I began to have doubts as to whether or not I wanted to continue with grad school all the way to PhD. I knew I definitely wanted a year off, but wanted to finish my Master's degree first.

Today, I had a meeting with my mentor, adviser, and idol, Dr. Rabin. He asked me if I'd given any thought to what I wanted to do after I finished my Master's. I told him, I'm thinking of taking a year off. He actually encouraged me to do so. He said taking a year off would not hurt or affect my chances of getting into a PhD program; I would just have to frame myself a little differently than if I was going straight from a Master's program. He also said, most groups PhD students are half and half--some who've taken a year off and others who haven't. He told me the only problem would be if one year turned into two then three...so and so forth.

Then he brought up other careers/grad programs to look into for Med/Ren: Museum Studies and Library Studies. He kind of alleviated some of my fears that I'd be stuck in a corner of the library cataloging books and babysitting middle schoolers and studying purely cataloging. He said, "It's not like you're going to study the Dewey Decimal system [in library science]. You specialize in a niche, work in the rare books collection, work with book preservation, and manuscripts. In fact, librarians work more with manuscripts than even I do. It's not like you're going to be working in the Louisville Free Public Library. You'll be in a university or a museum." He mentioned my background in theatre could be useful for museums like the Frazier which stages reenactments of the Middle Ages. I could be in charge of collections and setting up exhibits. Conveniently enough, University of South Carolina has a great museum studies program.

He told me to consider these options before settling on a PhD. A PhD is a great risk, especially nowadays. There's no sign of universities getting any more government funding soon. U of L recently only hired one new faculty member, a graduate from Vanderbilt. She was the only recent graduate from Vanderbilt to get a job, and it was only a temp teaching job. She would only teach for a year, without any guarantee of a job next year, and teaching lots of classes for a pittance. 25% of recent graduate students got a job and that was just any job, not necessarily teaching or english related. He told me to think, it's a risk that can pay off and or end badly. He said, "You have to think carefully, do I want to spend 6-7 years just trying to get a PhD, get out at 30-something, and will I look back and consider this time and money well spent when I don't have a job guarantee."

So now I'm seriously considering changing my life plan. I was so burnt out last semester. I realize I'm getting a little tired of the classroom. I want to do something else. I wish I'd got a teaching assistantship to see if I liked teaching as well as pay for my tuition and get insurance. As grad students, we're taught mainly content and just thrown into the classroom and expected to fly. Do I want to teach English 101 to stupid, jocks or deal with snobby honor students or people just in English to get some kind of degree? Mrs. Campbell (my senior AP English teacher) said teaching is casting pearl among swine. You just gotta hope for those few students who truly love learning and care about literature.

I'm really considering the museum and library studies programs. I'm leaning more towards museum right now because I'm thinking of the different items I'd be involved with besides manuscripts. I'd really love to incorporate my theatre background into my med/ren career. Dr. Rabin said, I would still be involved in the academic world, reading articles, writing and publishing articles of my own.

Museum and Library studies programs would also be shorter, about 2-3 years. Dr. Rabin said the best places to get jobs would be Chicago and Washington D.C. --both awesome cities with tons of museums and libraries and great universities with libraries. He recommended to apply in those areas for a library or museum assistantships if I decided to take a year off. He said they are perfect for Master's students looking to go further in Med/Ren studies.

Epically long post, I know. It helped me get my thoughts together though. Talking to Dustin helped too; he actually said, he thought I'd be happier in a museum setting rather than classroom. I know my mom would be happy if I chose library or museum studies; she thinks I'd have a much better chance at getting a job. I don't have to make a decision overnight. I must make one before the end of the semester though. If I want to go on to a PhD or other program next year, I need to start applying soon.

One Week and Three Days...

I've been back in Louisville now for two days. Getting back was a mess. My flight from Columbia to Atlanta got delayed causing me to miss my connection. Luckily the airline was able to book me on another flight at 7:20 PM. I was stuck in the airport for about 4-5 hours. At least Atlanta's airport is nice and filled with lots of good restaurants, though I was not please with the quality of Sbarrao's I ate at. My slice of pepperoni pizza had too few pepperoni's to merit the price, and it was lukewarm to boot. However, I was too cranky & hungry to do anything but eat it.

Dustin picked me up at the airport, and we went to see Ponyo. I ate nachoes; I got two containers of cheese at no extra cost! The movie was adorable! It had some flaws to it and lacked a bit of epicness that was hinted at. I loved Lisa, the mom of the little boy Sōsuke, My favorite Miyazaki film, of the three I've seen, is Howl's Moving Castle--beautiful animation, music, fantastic epic story and great cast. After the movie, I felt majorly tired. We went through White Castle's drive-thru and home to eat. I went to bed pretty early.

It's becoming more real and comfortable being back in Louisville. I almost didn't recognize the place when I first landed. That tells you how disoriented I've been of late. My whole life seems to have existed in SC only the past week. I'm getting back to routine. I went to work today and start class tomorrow. I felt that little, heavy, knot in my chest that I first felt. However, after talking with Trena, a good friend and girl I work with, about stuff I felt better. I love Dustin; he's certainly great to talk to, however sometimes it's not enough to talk to him--mainly I need a girl friend. I'm letting go slowly. Sometimes the knot and a terrible ache will come up, but I find some way to make it go away. I sorely miss my family; I never have wanted to move home until now. My mom would be mad as hell if I did though. And I realize I have a responsibility to myself, to Dustin, to Lily (my cat), and my family; part of fulfilling that responsibility is finishing school and getting a real job.

Trena and I both talked about going back to church. She said she needs it to help her keep from wanting to physically hurt somebody. I think I need it for a little spiritual nourishment. I'm not particularly religious, but there's usually something comforting in church. I always admire people with strong religious faith, note that it's different from zealous religious faith. I generally live by the matra: just be a good a person, do good things.

So, now I'm done blogging. Going to get my stuff together for class tomorrow.