The "C" Word

Candidacy. The big fat "C" word I both dreaded yet embraced. Yep, wasn't able to get my proposal approved by the deadline, therefore I have to go into candidacy for the summer. At first I was freaking out and getting really upset. Then I calmed down, and remembered I was anticipating this. I met with my project director late, and my proposal was more like a a draft than a solid academic proposal. I didn't get the email with the criticism and pointers until today, despite the fact the time stamp says Saturday. I'm very irritated about that. I was a little mad at Dustin who I force to check and write (while I dictate) my email when I'm anxious about something. He checked it both Saturday and Sunday, saying there was no email from my prof. I really couldn't fault him though; it's more the email system. I couldn't have sufficiently revised it by the deadline anyway.

Anyway, it gives me more time to get my thoughts together. My director says my topic is still too broad and needs focusing. My thesis is still not clear. I'm driving myself crazy trying to think of an original thesis that factors in all that's been done before without ripping anyone's idea off. Supposedly, as a Masters student I'm not expected to come up with any brilliant, earth-shattering new ideas, just expected to be able to show I can enter in an academic conversation. Really, 85% the time I feel like my knowledge of proper academic/scholarly procedures is lacking. I'm just kinda force to write something I've never done before with only the most general of outlines and my writing is supposed to be genius. I have written a proposal for a research paper maybe four times now, and only two were actually formal. I remember the days when writing 10 pages was hard; now I think what wouldn't I give for 10-13 pages instead of 25-30. This is just a long, slightly painful, learning process. 

I'm just thinking of all things, I had to fall in love with and pick Medievalism. Why couldn't I do 19th c. frontier fiction or women writers (which I also love)? I have several awesome papers for it, and it's so much easier. Argagagaga...as a friend and fellow grad student once said about the grad school and paper writing experience, "It's like some weird fetish; it's painful but you keep doing it over and over because after you finish you feel really good." It's the tried and true love-hate cliche. Lately, my relationship with academia has been more on the hate side. I'm wishing I chose Chretien Knight of the Cart instead of The Examinations of Anne Askew for class. I needed and wanted to do something different than Arthur; since my interest besides Arthur is early modern women writers, I figured Anne was the way to go. I chose a tough topic. Nevertheless, I'm going to work hard and make this an awesome paper.

Candidacy isn't so bad. I have a good friend who's in it right now, granted he doesn't have to pay for it since he has a teaching assistantship. Another friend of mine was telling me she wished she was in candidacy for the summer because she could give two shits about her CP. It's not like I'm going to be in candidacy for 5 years. I made it through my Bachelors in 4 years, taking 15-18 hours, and changing my major. I'm done with all the coursework for my Masters, just need more time getting my culminating project together. I might consider taking another course, since I didn't do so hot last semester. It depends on the cost of candidacy + class tuition and if there are any Med-Ren courses available in the first term. I'm feeling a little self conscious and defensive right now.

I Faced the Demon Dragon Lord and Survived!

My life often takes an epic turn. I think this could be the direct result of living on nothing but fantasy novels and films for all my life. I tend to compare the events and people in my life to novels, games and movies. Today, I feared I might be going on my last journey in my quest to gain my Masters Degree. I had to strap on my (metaphorical) armour and prepare myself to meet the Demon Dragon Lord a.k.a. my Culminating Project Director.

I've been in living the past month and a half in terror and playing the avoidance game with my Culminating Project Director; my final paper in his class was very bad which resulted me getting a "C" in the class. I sent him an apologetic email owning up to my faults and promising extreme revision and better results for my CP. I didn't check my email for the longest time and whenever I there was a time I literally had to, I made Dustin check it for me. Finally, my professor responded and Dustin read the email to me. It said exactly what I expected and already knew about the paper. My professor did state he was still willing to work with me and help me rewrite my paper. I was lured out to a gallery talk he was giving because it focused on medieval manuscript making and the museum it was held at, had just received a beautiful French Book of Hours. I still kinda avoided him, not that I could talk to him because he was swarmed with people with legitimate questions after the talk. It took me a week and a half to send an email making an appointment.

So today, I finally had to quell my fear and face the beast. I kept thinking of him as the final Demon Dragon Lord in an RPG that I had to beat to win the game. Dustin thinks I overeexagerated too much; he compared him to Chopin in the RPG Eternal Sonata.
*SPOILERS IF YOU HAVEN'T PLAYED THE GAME*
(Here I'm using one! I am constantly reminded of my failure to use a spoiler tag for HP 6.)


Chopin is on your team and helps you throughout the game. However in the end, you have to fight and defeat him in order to secure the existence of your world. Once you defeat him and convince him of the reality (he thinks the world is a dream) and importance of your world, he puts all his power and being into keeping the world. Plus, he wasn't difficult to beat; there were much harder bosses in the earlier stages of the game.

Back on track, I went to my professor's office, and he was very jovial. No blast of flame or look of pure hatred. I told him my purpose for being there, and we had a good, informative conversation about the proposal and project expectations. I told him as I was leaving, I'm glad he didn't breathe fire at and eat me. He replied, "The Jewish tradition is very much like the Vietnamese tradition, we operate on guilt; what you do to yourself is ten times worse than anything we can do to you." True words indeed. Guilt and fear have been eating me up all through Christmas break and the beginning of the semester.

Dustin told me, "See he cares about you. You make him out to be some kind of monster, but he's not." My hopes were not in vain; my professor is a good teacher; he knows I'm capable of quality work, knows that I didn't live up to my potential, and is willing to help me learn and become a better scholar. I feel a whole lot better and am chiding myself for my paranoia and anxiety. Sometimes, I allow rumors and reputation to precede my own personal knowledge. Nevertheless, this doesn't give me an excuse to slack off. I have to get my butt in gear.

Quick Academic Update

I passed my foreign language exam! I had to translate 500 words of a piece of literary criticism on modernism (of all subjects) in Spanish in 3 hours using only a dictionary. I had been done with Spanish class for about year and half, didn't study, and was sick to boot. I was worried about my test results having not seen an email, but I found it today! It got buried under the mass of emails I have in my university account. Obviously they value content and the fact I got the main idea of the piece rather than an accurate word for word, grammatically correct translation. I am required to pass the test before I can defend my culminating project (the shorter equivalent of a thesis). Now, I'm one step closer to getting my Masters degree!

I am once more locked out InterLibrary Loan for overdue books, though they did not send me an email this time. It's frustrating when my research papers won't be finished until December, and I only get maybe one month with the books and a two week renewal. If I return the books, I can't renew them right away. I have to send them back then request them again, but that's after the period for however long the books were overdue for. Personally, it think the system is bull. If I could check out the books longer, like at my university library I wouldn't have this problem. It's inconvenient to haul 20+ books to the library every two weeks to renew them, and I'm pretty sure you can't renew ILL books online. I understand that the policy is probably there so that whatever university library the books come from has it when one of the students wants the book, they can get it. But seriously, how many students are angling for books on Medieval women prophets or a facsimile of the Lamentations of Katherine Parr? I'm keeping the books until I'm done with my research paper, and use interlibrary loan through Dustin's account; I'll just have to be careful to check the dates.

I have half the books from the library contained in my apartment. Most of the books are Medieval related (Black Death, women writers, and Anne Askew), but there are a some for my Civil War lit and Queer theory courses. I need a tall, strong, muscled, burly personal assistant to reach all the books in the tall places, so I don't have to climb on shelves when there's no step stool and carry them all around the library and to my car at the stadium. Or, the library could just provide shopping carts that I can carry all the books around in; that still wouldn't solve the problem of getting them to my car at the stadium though. Creative solutions anyone?

The Secret to Success is...

Sitting at table. I just realized how much of a difference a table makes in helping me focus on reading--critical or academic texts. I left my desk in Dustin's parents' garage in Shelbyville because of the lack of space in our apartment. Dustin's desk is occupied by his laptop. I just set up my laptop on the glass coffee table and usually read and write from there. However, I am very prone to distractions like the TV and the internet and playing on or organizing my laptop.

I happen to have a very nice dining table that is hardly ever used because Dustin and I like to watch TV when we eat. TV is the living room and table is in the kitchen and not in line of view. I have a few things sitting on the table, however most of the space is empty. I got tired of sitting on the floor and the couch because I have to keep holding the reading up to my face; I keep getting cramped; plus the lighting in the living room isn't all that great either. I sat at the dining table, and it made such a huge difference! I'm like in a state of incredulity, thinking "Why didn't I do this before?"

The reading went by quick. I didn't have to juggle the paper, pen and highlighter. I was more focused on my reading and it all seemed clearer, though that could be because the readings were easier than last weeks. Now, I remember my mom always making me sit at the kitchen table when I did my homework. If I sat in the kitchen the TV had to be off or else I had to sit in the dining room. All those hours spent doing homework and studying at a regular table did help with the concentration. I've been with this table since we first lived in SC, so like 12 years; makes me a little nostalgic; maybe there's some study magic embedded in it that'll help me through my last semesters in grad school.

Kind of an odd post. It's just kind of neat to look at study habits and see how environment can affect you. I find I need mostly isolation, a little background noise, lots of light, and a flat, high surface to rest my reading on to study effectively. What kind of study habits do you guys who are still in school have? Do your surroundings affect you? Does it depend on what you're doing/reading? What are the bad habits you keep trying to kick that always come back and bite you in the ass (besides procrastination)?

Nom, Nom, Pizza & Nerd Talk

Finishing up the last of the pizza as I'm watching Project Runway.

Second day of Queer Theory today. Initially, I struggled a little bit reading Focault and Gayle Rubin, however, as always,  Dr. Kopelson always manages to break everything down and make it clear. We had lots of haha moments in class making fun the snootiness of lit. theory critics, and some of the radical statements made by Rubin. The line that made me laugh quite a bit was : "The only adult sexual behavior that is legal in every state is the placement of the penis in the vagina in wedlock." I'm not dismissing her statement, I'm just amused by the truth of it. She doesn't play around when it comes to sexuality and repression. I love Dr. Kopelson because she's got a very lax, humorous and "I'm-just-as-lazy-and-tired-as- any-college-student-even-though-I'm-a-professor-with-tenure" attitude. Some of her best comments come out when she's tired, like today: "pederasty, that's where you...[pause] 'asty' your children."

I wanted to kick myself today because I forgot to do my writing assignment, and Dr. K doesn't accept late work.  I thought earlier, "I wonder if we have a writing assignment today, no I think we're just going to write in class." Then I get to class, and one of my classmates entered a little late; he asked if we had turned our papers in yet. At that moment I was like "OH SHIT!" I think it's the most awful feeling of shame and embarrassment when you're a grad student, and you've already screwed up and forgotten an assignment on your second day of class.

I want to blame the wedding, but it's also my fault for not writing it down in my to-do notebook, which I've been doing an awesome job at keeping and looking at.  I don't believe in planners because it does you no good to look at things in advance. Plus I never use them. I always end up making lists of things to do from homework to errands and posting them on my desk or computer. Mac has a cool note/reminder app; I can write little remainders on brightly colored post-its and have them appear on my desktop. I don't know how I could live or keep track of my life without Post-Its.

I'm in a major paper topic developing mood. I keep thinking and debating different ideas for my Queer Theory paper, since it's a free for all. I really want to do a paper of sexuality/gender in the anime Revolutionary Girl Utena. Thing is, Utena is really long; I'd have to sit and watch the whole two seasons and take a ton of notes, and contstantly rewatch certain episodes. I'm also considering a shorter anime, like Maria-Holic or writing on the Takarazuka theatre tradition in Japan. Still have a million other papers to worry about: Anne Askew for Med. Lit & Law, currently subjectless Black Plague paper, currently subjectless U.S. Slavery Rhetoric paper, and oh can't forget the ever forboding CULMINATING PROJECT PAPER OR THESIS.

Time to finish my meal, stop watching TV, leave the internet behind, and go do my copious amounts of reading for tomorrow. I have three classes back to back for a total of 7 hours and 15 minutes. I have 15 minute break between each class--enough time to run between buildings or class rooms, use the bathroom, grab a snack or coke. There is no such thing as real life on Thursdays.

When You Ask Me Who I Am, What is my Vision, Do I Have a Plan

I know I love Medieval/Renaissance lit and want to devote my life studying it and women and women writers of the time period. I always knew from when I was young I wanted to be a writer. As I got older and further in college, I realized I wanted to write academically; I love picking apart and analyzing texts. I definitely wanted to pursue my college career further with grad school; I sold my soul to academia, academia is my life blood. I don't regret it, I love it with every fiber of my being despite the fact it causes me so much stress and headache and makes me physically ill during finals.

Ever since I decided to devote myself to the academy, it always seemed obvious and logical to become a college professor. I liked the idea of teaching; I wanted to share my knowledge and help fellow literature lovers and aspiring writers and academics. Plus, as Dr. Kopelson (one of my favorite professors who taught literary theory) said, it is a job that makes you write for a living. I wanted to write papers and lecture at prestigious Shakespeare conferences. This seemed the way to do it.

At the end of last semester and throughout the summer, I began having a not so mild but not dire career/identity crisis. Neither of my two med/ren classes were what I expected. Frankly, I thought they were boring and generic; nothing I couldn't have learned in a 300 level literature or history survey course. Granted this was due to the fact they were a mix of grad and undergrad students. I was taking 4 classes (12 hours) which is a lot in grad school; the workload was intense and overwhelming. I began to have doubts as to whether or not I wanted to continue with grad school all the way to PhD. I knew I definitely wanted a year off, but wanted to finish my Master's degree first.

Today, I had a meeting with my mentor, adviser, and idol, Dr. Rabin. He asked me if I'd given any thought to what I wanted to do after I finished my Master's. I told him, I'm thinking of taking a year off. He actually encouraged me to do so. He said taking a year off would not hurt or affect my chances of getting into a PhD program; I would just have to frame myself a little differently than if I was going straight from a Master's program. He also said, most groups PhD students are half and half--some who've taken a year off and others who haven't. He told me the only problem would be if one year turned into two then three...so and so forth.

Then he brought up other careers/grad programs to look into for Med/Ren: Museum Studies and Library Studies. He kind of alleviated some of my fears that I'd be stuck in a corner of the library cataloging books and babysitting middle schoolers and studying purely cataloging. He said, "It's not like you're going to study the Dewey Decimal system [in library science]. You specialize in a niche, work in the rare books collection, work with book preservation, and manuscripts. In fact, librarians work more with manuscripts than even I do. It's not like you're going to be working in the Louisville Free Public Library. You'll be in a university or a museum." He mentioned my background in theatre could be useful for museums like the Frazier which stages reenactments of the Middle Ages. I could be in charge of collections and setting up exhibits. Conveniently enough, University of South Carolina has a great museum studies program.

He told me to consider these options before settling on a PhD. A PhD is a great risk, especially nowadays. There's no sign of universities getting any more government funding soon. U of L recently only hired one new faculty member, a graduate from Vanderbilt. She was the only recent graduate from Vanderbilt to get a job, and it was only a temp teaching job. She would only teach for a year, without any guarantee of a job next year, and teaching lots of classes for a pittance. 25% of recent graduate students got a job and that was just any job, not necessarily teaching or english related. He told me to think, it's a risk that can pay off and or end badly. He said, "You have to think carefully, do I want to spend 6-7 years just trying to get a PhD, get out at 30-something, and will I look back and consider this time and money well spent when I don't have a job guarantee."

So now I'm seriously considering changing my life plan. I was so burnt out last semester. I realize I'm getting a little tired of the classroom. I want to do something else. I wish I'd got a teaching assistantship to see if I liked teaching as well as pay for my tuition and get insurance. As grad students, we're taught mainly content and just thrown into the classroom and expected to fly. Do I want to teach English 101 to stupid, jocks or deal with snobby honor students or people just in English to get some kind of degree? Mrs. Campbell (my senior AP English teacher) said teaching is casting pearl among swine. You just gotta hope for those few students who truly love learning and care about literature.

I'm really considering the museum and library studies programs. I'm leaning more towards museum right now because I'm thinking of the different items I'd be involved with besides manuscripts. I'd really love to incorporate my theatre background into my med/ren career. Dr. Rabin said, I would still be involved in the academic world, reading articles, writing and publishing articles of my own.

Museum and Library studies programs would also be shorter, about 2-3 years. Dr. Rabin said the best places to get jobs would be Chicago and Washington D.C. --both awesome cities with tons of museums and libraries and great universities with libraries. He recommended to apply in those areas for a library or museum assistantships if I decided to take a year off. He said they are perfect for Master's students looking to go further in Med/Ren studies.

Epically long post, I know. It helped me get my thoughts together though. Talking to Dustin helped too; he actually said, he thought I'd be happier in a museum setting rather than classroom. I know my mom would be happy if I chose library or museum studies; she thinks I'd have a much better chance at getting a job. I don't have to make a decision overnight. I must make one before the end of the semester though. If I want to go on to a PhD or other program next year, I need to start applying soon.